But We Never Forget
by Illogical1
Summary: Based on the prompt 'I just want to make his sacrifice worth it...but I can't.' Steve has died saving the world, Natasha is suffering for it. Angst.


**AN: I used a little Russian in this, but nothing too severe :)**

 **дорогая- Russian for sweetheart/baby/my love**

 **Thanks to my beta You'remyFriend who proof read this for me while really sick.**

 **I own nothing. Sadly.**

But We Never Forget

Three weeks ago:

 _"We now interrupt this program for breaking news; mere hours ago, at approximately 6:37 pm, Captain America was pronounced dead. After a bloody battle with an unknown terrorist group, the international hero was flown to a nearby Mercy Hospital, only to be declared dead minutes after arrival. Conflicting reports suggest that the Captain was dead before ever leaving the battle field. As of now, we do not have an exact report of how the great Captain fell, but he undoubtedly sacrificed himself for the freedom of all. The president has called for a nationwide memorial service for Captain America at 0800 tomorrow. Everyone is encouraged to participate. We will continue to update our viewers as more information is made available. Please stay tuned. Thank you."_

Present:

Natasha stared blankly up at the sterile white celling. An IV was slowly dripping morphine into her left arm while her right was attached to several monitors. The explosion had burned the majority of her torso and neck. It probably would have killed her if it weren't for Steve.

Tears streamed down her face at the memory. Steve, _Natasha's_ wonderful Steve, who had died protecting her, as usual. For the first time in her life, Natasha allowed herself to cry. She'd lost her partner, her best friend, her husband, the father of her child, her _everything._ Never again would Natasha get to kiss his lips, never again would she feel the strength of his arms around her, never again would Natasha hear the whispered 'I love you' in the dead of night. Natasha would never be whole again.

A timid knock at the door drew Natasha out of her broken thoughts. Even if she could wipe away her tears, she didn't want to. She'd spent long enough hiding her emotions, she wouldn't any more. In a hoarse whisper, Natasha called, "Come in."

A shattered looking Bucky Barnes stuck his unshaven face in the doorway. "Are you up for a small visitor?"

Natasha's eyes widened and she nodded frantically. She hadn't seen her son since just before the battle. Up until now, her injuries had been too severe for Yakov to be allowed near her.

Bucky disappeared and quickly reappeared with Natasha's four year old in his arms. Bucky bent his head and looked seriously into his godson's eyes. "Remember what we talked about earlier, Yasha? Mommy's sick and we need to be _very_ gentle with her, ok?"

Yakov nodded earnestly before wriggling out of his uncle's arms. Bucky deposited him lightly on the ground and Yakov all but ran to his mother.

"Mommy!"

Natasha smiled despite her grief. "Hi, дорогая!"

"I maded you a pic'ure!" Yakov shouted before offering up a folded piece of paper.

"Oh, it's beautiful, Yasha." And it was. Yakov had his father's talent for art. Just looking at the family portrait Yakov had drawn brought fresh tears to Natasha's eyes. " _Does he know?"_ She mouthed to Bucky.

Bucky shook his head, tears in his own eyes. " _No._ "

Natasha closed her eyes with a sigh. How was she supposed to tell her son that his father was never coming home? That he would never see his daddy again? How was she supposed to raise Yakov without Steve? She couldn't do this.

Fortunately, Yakov was oblivious to the heavy depression that clung to the adults and happily babbled on about his picture. "…And that's you, and that's Daddy, and that's U'cle Bucky 'n' Aun'ie Darcy, and that's Bubbles." He finished by pointing to a crude drawing of a gold fish; the stupid fish that Steve had constantly replaced in the middle of the night because it kept dying.

Natasha put on her brave face, the mask she used for everyone but Steve. "I love it, дорогая. Could you hang it up so I can see it all the time?"

Yakov's eyes lit up. "Yeah, I can do dat! I'm a big boy!" He dragged his chair over to the medical cabinets to hang his art up. Bucky had to help him hang it using medical tape. It was slightly crooked, but Natasha loved it.

"Thank you дорогая! Have you been a good boy for your uncle?"

Yakov nodded enthusiastically. "I've been the bestest boy for U'cle Bucky!"

"And have you eaten all of your veggies?"

Yakov's eyes widened, "Yes!" He rushed at the same time Bucky replied, "No."

Natasha smiled at her baby. "Can you keep being a big boy for a couple more days for me?"

Yakov frowned, but nodded. "When you comin' home Mommy? Where's Daddy? Is he still fightin' da bad guys?"

Natasha's mask fell and Bucky looked utterly heart broken. Natasha pulled the IV's out of her arms before looking to Bucky who flipped off the computer so it would go crazy. "James, give him to me."

Bucky hesitated. "But Nat, your-"

"Give me my son."

Bucky gulped and complied. As carefully as he could, Bucky placed Yakov in the crook of his mother's arm and retreated to the far side of the room. Natasha stared at her innocent baby; her little boy who wouldn't understand why his daddy, his idol, would never come back for him. "Yasha, I need you to listen very carefully and be brave for Mommy, ok?"

Steve's big blue eyes stared back at her. "Ok Mommy."

"You know that Mommy and Daddy's job is very dangerous right?" Natasha paused waiting for Yakov to nod. "Well the bad guys…fought your daddy… _дорогая_ …your daddy…" She couldn't say it. Bucky made sure she didn't have to.

"Yasha," Bucky started, taking his tiny hand, "Your daddy's in heaven with God now."

"What's that mean?" At such an innocent age, Yakov had no concept of what death really meant.

Bucky buried his emotions for the sake of the child- _Steve's_ child. "It means, Short-stack, that your daddy was such a good hero, God took him to heaven and he lives there now."

"Will Daddy come back?"

"No, дорогая, Daddy can't come back." Natasha sobbed, holding her baby as tight as she could. Tears began to flow down Yakov's cheeks as he finally understood his daddy was gone.

X-X-X

It had been two weeks since Natasha had been released from the hospital. Her burn marks were significantly better but she'd always have scars, just like the scar permanently tattooed in her heart.

Even though she was back home in her apartment at the Tower, Natasha couldn't go into her, _their_ , bedroom. She slept in the guest room or on the couch. She was too raw to sleep in their bed alone.

Natasha wasn't as blind as to not notice Yakov was suffering too, she just didn't know how to handle it. Natasha had spent many long hours cuddling her son or distracting him from the mind numbing pain.

She felt like she was failing; there was only so much she could do for Yakov while grieving herself. Bucky and Darcy would often take Yakov out to give Natasha some space and she felt like a horrible mother for it. Steve had sacrificed himself so their son would have a mother and Natasha couldn't even be there emotionally for him.

It was one night a few weeks later when Natasha finally confessed these feelings to Yakov's godparents. The hour was either really late or really early, Yakov was sound asleep and the adults had had a few cold ones when the emotions started spilling out.

"I just," tears spilled down Nat's cheeks, "I just wanted to make his sacrifice worth something. I don't want him to have died in vain and everyday he has because I'm broken and Yakov is suffering for it."

Both Darcy and Bucky looked at her in alarm. "No, Nat, you can't think like that!" Darcy started, pulling Natasha in for a hug.

"Natasha, Steve died because he _loved you_ so much he couldn't stand the idea of living without you." Bucky stared into Natasha's eyes to make sure she was listening. "He did not die in vain and every breath you take proves it. All he wanted was for both you and Yakov to be safe and happy. As long as I'm around, nothing will change that and Steve will have _not_ have died in vain. I won't allow that and you better not either.

Tears continued to stream down Natasha's face. "But-"

"No but's Nat." Darcy hugged her tighter. "Don't get so caught up in your grief that you can't enjoy life with your son. Remember Steve and your time together, but don't let grief consume you. Live."

That's what Natasha swore to do from that day on; live.

X-X-X

It had been a year since Steve's death; probably the most painful year of Natasha's life. But she kept going. Natasha was getting to the point where she could smile again, where she could say she was better than just 'ok'. Nat had even begun to sleep in their bedroom again. Everyone believed she was on the road to being happy again.

Yakov had started kindergarten and was back to simply being a happy carefree child. Natasha was worried that because he'd lost his father at such a young age, he'd forget about him. Everyone agreed that was not going to happen. All of Yakov's uncles, especially Bucky, would tell Yakov of his father's adventures.

Yakov clearly still idolized Steve, and would brag to his friends and classmates about his father, but had eventually stopped asking for him. It broke Natasha's heart when Yakov finally really understood that Steve was never coming back. But Natasha kept going. Steve wouldn't want her to be miserable for the rest of her life and Natasha swore she wouldn't be.

Bucky threw himself into taking care of Yakov. Steve had made him the godfather for a reason and as long as Bucky lived, Yakov wouldn't be fatherless or alone. Bucky knew that he'd never replace Steve in Yakov's eyes and he didn't want to, but he vowed that he would raise the child as Steve would've and that's exactly what he did.

The Avengers, especially the Rogers family had lost much that year, but they weren't going to back down. They were going to live each day to the fullest, but in their hearts would never forget Captain America or the sacrifices he gave for the world.

 **End**

 **I would like to clearify that this is not related to my other fic,** **Falling in Love With You. This is a stand alone.**

 **Thank you!**


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